I get it.
You have to surround yourself with people that understand, a friend told me a (long) while back. Who understand what? Extended breastfeeding (oh, you mean past 3 months?), homeschooling (my 5 year old?), a commitment to eating whole, organic foods, living more simply, co-parenting in the fullest sense of the word… oh those things. Those really strange things. Apparently.
I guess we all have our lists. As families. As parents and leaders of our families. A top 10 or a top 5 or, goodness sakes, a top 20 – of things that we are committed to, our priorities, our areas of spending and focus and time. And extra love. Sometimes those seem to jive well with those of lots of people around us in our communities, and sometimes, well, they don’t.
Now I did take her advice, or it just sort of happened. We ended up some new friends, and navigating through understanding with old ones.
What has been much harder, perhaps, is finding understanding and real true support and encouragement and enthusiasm from within our own, extended ranks. Blood relatives. Our own parents. Our top lists and theirs are so massively different. And did their parents offer them the kind of genuine support they had needed? I don’t know, and I doubt it. And I know we aren’t alone.
I don’t want to be told by a close family relative, walking down the street, nursing my 1 year old in my carrier, that I should “just cover up”.
But initial anger has subsided and now I get it. Many of the things we are doing, the changes we have made, they just aren’t part of what they understand or support. And that’s ok.
I’ve been thinking a lot about this: “Judge nothing, you will be happy. Forgive everything, you will be happier. Love everything, you will be happiest.” - Sri Chinmoy
Especially the forgive part.
In Canada our breastfeeding rates are rather abysmal, especially after a few months. Statistics from 2005-2009 shows that though a majority of women actually tried to initiate breastfeeding, over 30% of those same women had stopped after onemonth. The World Health Organization (and now Health Canada) recommends 6 months of exclusive breastfeeding for newborn babies, at a minimum, but in Canada in 2009 only 24% of women had followed this.
It’s a complicated problem, and a serious one that justifies more than a little paragraph this Monday morning. But I know one thing, I know that breastfeeding can be challenging and draining and that women who choose to do this, what is best for their babies, need support. Support and encouragement that is so often absent, or even replaced with calls to turn to formula and parent a different way. From our own extended families. When I think about it that way, the numbers don’t seem all that surprising.
As my partner, my Mister Mister said yesterday, “You’d have to be a super woman to withstand all that pressure.” Indeed, finding the courage and the guts to hold onto convictions when you’re exhausted, drained, facing a mountain of diapers, and bills and weird, hormally-induced moods that come and go… not easy.
SO in this space, today, in a tiny but fully committed gesture, I vow to remember all of this when I have more gray hairs than brown. When, hopefully, I have grown older and wiser and have the chance, perhaps, to mother grown children and grandparent little ones. I vow to listen with my heart, not my mind, and to offer true, unselfish support that doesn’t judge, that doesn’t place demands (even silent, conniving ones) or require “thank-you’s”. I vow, I promise, to break a cycle that has gone on for too long.
Do you promise too?
06.08.2012(3:34 pm)
Ah, yes… We get a good dose of disapproval from some of my in-laws. Co-sleeping… bringing our children to fancy restaurants, etc… (their judgmental diatribes are rude and disrespectful — I have news for them — parenting philosophies have changed a little bit since the 1960′s.) And how difficult to be judged around something so wholesome, healthy and basic as breast feeding. I send you big hurrah’s as you follow your heart and your soul and carry on…
p.s. I love your posts on dying. I am eyeing our playsilks and contemplating a new set dyed with turmeric, rose-madder root, purple cabbage & nettles.
xo
06.08.2012(4:11 pm)
You poor dear! Feeding our children is such a primal instinct, and one that IS instinct – as mothers, we just KNOW when the time is right to stop breastfeeding, if we would just LISTEN! I’ve had an amazing support system of friends and like-minded people who didn’t mind one bit when I pulled out a boob to feed my toddler. And though my own mother kept asking me when I was going to wean, I just knew in my heart that it just wasn’t time yet. Even when my husband started to ask when I was thinking of giving up breastfeeding, I kept listening to this inner voice that said, “nope, not yet.” And a few months later, my little girl and I both just figured out “that’s it then; we’re done” and stopped together. I truly believe you and your own baby will just have a moment of knowing when you’re ready, and whether that’s after a year (I firmly believe it should NEVER be before a year old, and thankfully most midwives over here in England are pro-breastfeeding and offer a ton of advice, support, and help) or after a few more years, I do think supporting one of nature’s most basic and beautiful rituals, which has so many benefits, is just so, so important. This issue makes my chest burn – I cannot stand the idea that someone would feel pressured enough (by family, friends, or society) to stop feeding their child the most healthy of substances. x
06.08.2012(4:19 pm)
Yes, the whole objectification of women has really put a dent into understanding and respecting breastfeeding and breasts as beautiful ways to nourish a baby. It’s hard, and it seems to be getting worse.
I too think nursing should be as long as mama and baby want it – hopefully for a good long time. That’s how we plan to do it (again, I won’t even say how long I nursed my older one).
But I’m pretty hard-headed. Which serves me well in times like this. How many other women who are less… hmmm… stubbornly determined would be negatively influenced by all of this negative “chatter” and “noise”, especially from people they know well?
08.08.2012(3:18 am)
It is sad that so many women choose not to breastfeed nowadays, especially in western countries. In India (from where my husband is) they recommend breastfeeding until the baby is 2 years old, but now many mothers go for bottle feeding, not to mention the c-section craze which has taken over that part of the world.. sigh!
I think Canada is rather similar in these numbers to Finland? It’s a sensitive subject to many.. People have such different priorities!
14.08.2012(11:27 pm)
Ha, not so in Germany! One shouldn’t say “western” countries in such a sweeping way. I Germany most women breastfeed. I have 4 sisters and we all nursed our babies for a year or longer. I think it has do with puritanism. I had never heard of a nursing blanket until I had kids in the US. People gave me one for my babyshower. What’s that for I asked people. No woman in Germany would ever feel ashamed to lift up her shirt and feed her baby. Shame on people in the US and Canada who don’t see it that way. It’s a natural act and the best thing you can do for your baby. Needless to say I will never quite fit in here. I am trying my best to teach my kids not to be ashamed of their body. It’s hard though swimming against the stream all the time…